Book Dedications and Thank You's

At the beginning of their book, authors always dedicate and thank their family, their spouse, their colleagues, etc.  Just once, I would like to see someone dedicate/thank:

my couch for providing a soft soft for my anus, the In and Out Burger for their delicious burgers, Jim Beam, my prostitutes, my umbrella for keeping me dry, the guy who picks up the trash, and most of all everyone except my ungrateful deadbeat children and annoying hideous wife.