New poll reveals many believe Obama is a Jew

Washington- A new national survey by the Pew Research Center finds that a growing number of Americans say Obama is a Jew.  "He sure says a lot of Jew-y things," said local resident Bill Smith.  "And he sort of looks Jewishy too."  Beliefs about Obama's religion are closely linked to political opinions about him, according to the Pew Research Center.  Those who say he is a Jew overwhelmingly disapprove of his job performance.  One respondent said, "I liked Obama all right for a while, then I found out he was a Jew!  Now he disgusts me."

Political advisors are recommending that Obama issue a statement denying that he is a Jew, and perhaps denying the Holocaust as well to further distance himself from Jews.  One veteran politico said that is what it will take to combat this vicious lie perpetrated by right-wing talk radio, specifically Rush Limbaugh who refers to the president as "Rabbi Obama."

Arizona law

I’m not taking any chances on the Arizona law. To be on the safe side, I have done the following:

1. Put my Los Suns jersey up for sale on ebay.
2. Stopped watching baseball, world cup, and Carlos Mencia.
3. Refrained from Taco Bell drive thru (ok I haven’t been able to do this just yet).
4. Thrown out all my sombreros.
5. Cancelled subscription to Hot Latinas (again, not quite yet).

My Profession

I am a scientist (amateur).  I do science-y things that are real important.  I have a white coat that I wear to do my experiments.  They are real complicated and people with small brains are not smart enough enough to do them.  I did an experiment this morning where I tested how late I could sleep.  Basically, I sleep and try to stay sleeping and not wake up until like 11am or even 12 or 1pm.  Then I did an experiment to see how much pizza I could eat and TV I could watch.  Later, I will conduct another scientific experiment to test how much beer I can drink before passing out.  Like I said, the science I conduct is pretty complex but I am dedicated to my science (amateur) job.

Toleration Society organized

Locals organized a new community group that encourages toleration of all people.  The group is called the Toleration Society.  Its newly elected president, Jill Swan explained, "We accept all people into our organization.  All people whose views are identical to our own...whose body and weight are proportional.  No Jews, of course, but that goes without saying."

Book Dedications and Thank You's

At the beginning of their book, authors always dedicate and thank their family, their spouse, their colleagues, etc.  Just once, I would like to see someone dedicate/thank:

my couch for providing a soft soft for my anus, the In and Out Burger for their delicious burgers, Jim Beam, my prostitutes, my umbrella for keeping me dry, the guy who picks up the trash, and most of all everyone except my ungrateful deadbeat children and annoying hideous wife.