“Abortion is murder,” said Eric Rudolph, who confessed to several abortion clinic bombings. “But murdering adults is not murder,” reasoned Rudolph, adding, “besides, murdering adults is a lot more fun.” He said, “adults can feel pain. They have fully developed organs, not to mention they often have close friendships and bonds with others. So killing them helps to maximize the overall pain quotient.” Rudolph encouraged others, "don't kill babies, wait until they become adults."
Jim Harrelson retired last spring and looked forward to spending quality time with his family. But after a few months, he is now looking to go back to work, saying family time is highly “overrated.”
David Wells, cousin of first-round NFL draft pick Michael Crabtree, was recently recognized as ‘worst cousin ever.’ Wells advised Crabtree to sit out the entire season if the 49ers refused to meet his contract demands. Such a move could cost Crabtree millions of dollars, precious experience, and solidify his reputation as a prima donna. But it is not the first time that Wells’ advice has been less than stellar. “No man, you don’t need to wear no condom,” advised Wells. And other gems, “go ahead, you won’t get caught,” along with, “yea, it’s totally legit.”
In a stunning development, Mike Gundy, head football coach at Oklahoma State, who once famously declared, “I’m a man,” has undergone a sex change operation.
“No, that is not true,” said Mayor Harkin, “I just don’t see that.”
Mr. Hunt, an award winning local teacher, was fired yesterday. A school official explained, “C’mon, have you seen this guy. I mean, he has long hair and some really weird views. It is even rumored that he may be Jewish.” Administrators were careful to note the firing had nothing to do with Mr. Hunt’s teaching abilities. “He is one of our best instructors,” said Principal West, “but his personal views are out of step with the community.”
When asked why he refused to treat patient, doctor replied, “because he was sick.”
“I’m sick and tired of all the lies,” yelled Bill Smith at a recent town hall forum. “This so-called Obama has never produced any documentation of his birth!”
In a shocking interview with the local NBC affiliate, 8 year-old Jules Dodd, sister of 10 year-old Brian Dodd, says her brother is totally lame.
At a recent town hall forum, an unemployed woman expressed her concerns about the economy and her children’s lack of health insurance. She was told, “get a job,” by audience members. The woman, Vickie Blinn, was delighted by the idea. Afterwards, she got a job making $250,000 a year. “Wow,” she said, “if only I had known.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, on Friday said too many Americans are getting sick and that has lead to the current health care crisis. He said the way to solve this problem is to pass a bill he recently introduced, Senate bill 45.1, dubbed the “stop getting sick” bill, which calls on Americans to stop getting cancer, AIDS, and other illnesses.
