What Not and What Have You

Toleration

2011-09-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I tolerate all people.
Who are just like me.

New poll reveals many believe Obama is a Jew

2010-08-20T16:02:00.000-07:00

Washington- A new national survey by the Pew Research Center finds that a growing number of Americans say Obama is a Jew. "He sure says a lot of Jew-y things," said local resident Bill Smith. "And he sort of looks Jewishy too." Beliefs about Obama's religion are closely linked to political opinions about him, according to the Pew Research Center. Those who say he is a Jew overwhelmingly disapprove of his job performance. One respondent said, "I liked Obama all right for a while, then I found out he was a Jew! Now he disgusts me."

Political advisors are recommending that Obama issue a statement denying that he is a Jew, and perhaps denying the Holocaust as well to further distance himself from Jews. One veteran politico said that is what it will take to combat this vicious lie perpetrated by right-wing talk radio, specifically Rush Limbaugh who refers to the president as "Rabbi Obama."

Arizona law

2010-07-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

I’m not taking any chances on the Arizona law. To be on the safe side, I have done the following:

1. Put my Los Suns jersey up for sale on ebay.
2. Stopped watching baseball, world cup, and Carlos Mencia.
3. Refrained from Taco Bell drive thru (ok I haven’t been able to do this just yet).
4. Thrown out all my sombreros.
5. Cancelled subscription to Hot Latinas (again, not quite yet).

My Profession

2010-07-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

I am a scientist (amateur). I do science-y things that are real important. I have a white coat that I wear to do my experiments. They are real complicated and people with small brains are not smart enough enough to do them. I did an experiment this morning where I tested how late I could sleep. Basically, I sleep and try to stay sleeping and not wake up until like 11am or even 12 or 1pm. Then I did an experiment to see how much pizza I could eat and TV I could watch. Later, I will conduct another scientific experiment to test how much beer I can drink before passing out. Like I said, the science I conduct is pretty complex but I am dedicated to my science (amateur) job.

Toleration Society organized

2010-07-04T21:57:00.001-07:00

Locals organized a new community group that encourages toleration of all people. The group is called the Toleration Society. Its newly elected president, Jill Swan explained, "We accept all people into our organization. All people whose views are identical to our own...whose body and weight are proportional. No Jews, of course, but that goes without saying."

Book Dedications and Thank You's

2010-07-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of their book, authors always dedicate and thank their family, their spouse, their colleagues, etc. Just once, I would like to see someone dedicate/thank:

my couch for providing a soft soft for my anus, the In and Out Burger for their delicious burgers, Jim Beam, my prostitutes, my umbrella for keeping me dry, the guy who picks up the trash, and most of all everyone except my ungrateful deadbeat children and annoying hideous wife.

Businesses, for whatever reason, that failed

2009-09-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Veterinary Services, Michael Vick, DVM

Kanye West School of Etiquette

Career Counseling Services, by Michael Crabtree's cousin

Ear, Nose, and Throat Clinic, Mike Tyson, MD

Tai Chi with Bob Knight

Brett Favre Retirement Home

John Daly Fitness Center

The Allen E. Iverson Practice Facility

Free Throw Clinic, with Shaquille O'Neal

Clean and Sober Clinic, with Billy Gillispie

Poll: US does not need health care reform

2009-09-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

A new poll shows a majority of Americans think the health care system is great, affordable, and not in need of any changes.*

*Poll included Americans whose net wealth equaled or exceeded 1.2 million dollars.

Scientists Discover Cure for Obesity

2009-09-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

Researchers have discovered a plan that could ward off obesity. In scientific jargon, the plan is called 'stop putting too much food in your mouth'. In a variety of clinical trials, subjects that did not put too much food in their mouth were able to avoid obesity. The FDA has yet to approve the plan, but could do so as quickly as this century.

WNN Interviews Blue Dog Democrat (BDD)

2009-09-10T20:05:00.001-07:00

WNN: Ok, let’s get straight to the big issue – health care. Where do you stand on this?

BDD: I oppose Barack Obama’s health care plan and his whole radical progressive agenda. He has been a disaster for this country, definitely one of the worst presidents of all time.

WNN: But you supported Obama for president, right?

BDD: No way! I voted for John McCain

WNN: And you’re a Democrat, right?

BDD: Yes, I am. I was even chair of the local party. You see the Democratic Party is a big-tent party. There is certainly room for people who do not support any of the party’s policies or candidates.

WNN: What do you favor?

BDD: I’m a George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan Democrat. I favor Republican ideas, Republican policies, and Republican candidates.

Woman expecting 19th child, unsure why she keeps getting pregnant

2009-09-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Michelle Duggar is expecting once again. She and her husband, Jim Bob, are unsure why she keeps getting pregnant. "It's weird," said Jim Bob, "we don't want no kids." Michelle agreed, "I'm sick and tired of this and would stop getting pregnant if I could, but for some reason, it keeps happening."

Man Figures Out Meaning of Life, But Won't Tell

2009-09-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Jim Hartman, a physicist at the University of Montana-Missoula, has figured out the meaning of life. For years Hartman, along with other researchers, has been conducting tests into one of humanity's peskiest problems - what does it all mean? Hartman discovered the answer in his lab late last Thursday, but now says he won't tell anyone.

Futureman unable to see future, blames Obama administration

2009-09-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

"I have seen the future clearly for years," said Futureman, who resides in Northfield, Connecticut, "but now, thanks to the Obama administration, my psychic powers all messed up." Futureman gained fame two years ago when he foresaw but failed to prevent the suicide of the local high school principal. "I never really liked him," said Futureman after the incident, when asked why he did not intervene.

President encourages kids to stay in school, GOP outraged!

2009-09-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

"How dare he!," exclaimed GOP chair Michel Steele, "how dare he!" "The President has no business encouraging kids like this," continued Steele, "if these kids are not careful they could end up graduating from high school and possibly even college someday."

America Destroyed by Socialist

2009-08-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Sorry," said Bethany Jefferson, after America was destroyed following her support for health care reform. "I really didn't set out to destroy America, I actually like it very much." Jefferson, a 28 year old third grade teacher from Illinois, brought the mighty US to its knees when she asked, "why can't we provide universal health care coverage for all Americans?"

Abortion clinic bomber urges 'don't kill babies, wait until they become adults.'

2009-08-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

“Abortion is murder,” said Eric Rudolph, who confessed to several abortion clinic bombings. “But murdering adults is not murder,” reasoned Rudolph, adding, “besides, murdering adults is a lot more fun.” He said, “adults can feel pain. They have fully developed organs, not to mention they often have close friendships and bonds with others. So killing them helps to maximize the overall pain quotient.” Rudolph encouraged others, "don't kill babies, wait until they become adults."

List of World's Shortest Books Released

2009-08-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Graceful Retirement, by Brett Favre

Deep Thoughts, by George W. Bush

Morality, by Bill Clinton

How to NOT Have Extramarital Sex in a Restaurant in Front of Your Strength Coach with a Bimbo who Gets Pregnant, Has an Abortion, Marries then Divorces Aforementioned Strength Coach, and Blackmails You for Millions, by Rick Pitino

Driving While Sober, by Billie Gillispie

Winning the Right Way, by John Calipari

Guide to Hiring Classy Basketball Coaches, by the State of Kentucky

Understanding the Economy, by Economists

Scientific Basis for Creationism, by the Creationist Museum

Red Light Cameras, Animal Shelter Locations, and other Good Ideas, by the Lubbock City Council

Good Advice, by Michael Crabtree’s Cousin

Broadcast Excellence, by Chad Hasty

Compassion, by the Republican Party

Guide to Winning Elections, by the Texas Democratic Party

Defense, by Mike Leach

Marley & Me, & Michael Vick, by Marley and Michael Vick

Passionate Goth Sports Fans, by the one passionate goth sports fan

Log Cabin Republicans Meet

2009-08-26T19:41:00.001-07:00

As usual, the topic of discussion was, “why again are we Republicans?”

Man regrets retiring, says spending time with family is ‘overrated.’

2009-08-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Jim Harrelson retired last spring and looked forward to spending quality time with his family. But after a few months, he is now looking to go back to work, saying family time is highly “overrated.”

Crabtree’s cousin voted, ‘Worst Cousin Ever’

2009-08-26T17:25:00.001-07:00

David Wells, cousin of first-round NFL draft pick Michael Crabtree, was recently recognized as ‘worst cousin ever.’ Wells advised Crabtree to sit out the entire season if the 49ers refused to meet his contract demands. Such a move could cost Crabtree millions of dollars, precious experience, and solidify his reputation as a prima donna. But it is not the first time that Wells’ advice has been less than stellar. “No man, you don’t need to wear no condom,” advised Wells. And other gems, “go ahead, you won’t get caught,” along with, “yea, it’s totally legit.”

Football Coach Has Sex Change

2009-08-26T16:24:00.001-07:00

In a stunning development, Mike Gundy, head football coach at Oklahoma State, who once famously declared, “I’m a man,” has undergone a sex change operation.

Mayor responds to critics who say he lacks vision

2009-08-26T16:18:00.001-07:00

“No, that is not true,” said Mayor Harkin, “I just don’t see that.”

Award winning teacher fired

2009-08-26T16:06:00.001-07:00

Mr. Hunt, an award winning local teacher, was fired yesterday. A school official explained, “C’mon, have you seen this guy. I mean, he has long hair and some really weird views. It is even rumored that he may be Jewish.” Administrators were careful to note the firing had nothing to do with Mr. Hunt’s teaching abilities. “He is one of our best instructors,” said Principal West, “but his personal views are out of step with the community.”

Blogger blogs he plans to stop blogging.

2009-08-26T15:44:00.001-07:00

A shocked community responds, “so?”

Doctor refuses to treat patient over preexisting condition.

2009-08-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

When asked why he refused to treat patient, doctor replied, “because he was sick.”

Angry man at town hall forum accuses Obama of not being born.

2009-08-26T13:13:00.001-07:00

“I’m sick and tired of all the lies,” yelled Bill Smith at a recent town hall forum. “This so-called Obama has never produced any documentation of his birth!”

Explosive allegations revealed about family member.

2009-08-26T12:58:00.001-07:00

In a shocking interview with the local NBC affiliate, 8 year-old Jules Dodd, sister of 10 year-old Brian Dodd, says her brother is totally lame.

Unemployed woman told, “get a job.”

2009-08-26T12:43:00.001-07:00

At a recent town hall forum, an unemployed woman expressed her concerns about the economy and her children’s lack of health insurance. She was told, “get a job,” by audience members. The woman, Vickie Blinn, was delighted by the idea. Afterwards, she got a job making $250,000 a year. “Wow,” she said, “if only I had known.”

GOP leader says sickness to blame for health care crisis.

2009-08-26T12:04:00.001-07:00

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, on Friday said too many Americans are getting sick and that has lead to the current health care crisis. He said the way to solve this problem is to pass a bill he recently introduced, Senate bill 45.1, dubbed the “stop getting sick” bill, which calls on Americans to stop getting cancer, AIDS, and other illnesses.

Church pastor says abstinence does not work.

2009-08-26T12:03:00.003-07:00

Martin Glass, pastor at First Baptist Church, says abstinence does not prevent pregnancy. “It did not work for Mary, mother of the Son of God, why should we expect it to work for others,” Glass said in his Sunday sermon.

New Teacher says kids are dumb.

2009-08-26T12:03:00.001-07:00

Ms. Kurry, a new 5^th grade teacher at the local elementary said, “teaching is harder than I thought because these kids are really dumb.”

Jonas brother has sex!

2009-08-26T12:02:00.001-07:00

TMZY reports that Nick Jonas had sexual intercourse. Afterwards, Jonas said, “it feels real good.” He urged others to forego their promise rings and have sex.